Help is just around the corner

Mh. Well, my first post in English but. Well, as I´ve been quite miserable today, I just figured I should start thinking more in English. Especially about things which are concerned about my future as in week time I have to talk two strangers why I want to study in their Uni and.. unfortunately I have no idea. Just hoped to gather more ideas that way.

Argh. I´m just so disappointed in myself. First of all. I got an answer from that forth Uni. It said "unsuccessful" And it brought me down. I just thought that I may still have chance with it. Maybe just a bit later when they have had their first interviews and stuff. But no. Unsuccessful. And well. I still have my two Unis. Yeah, two. Because from the third one somebody called.. the day before yesterday and said something about it being cancelled. Like Portsmouth. Well, they did say that they are going to offer me another course but, as far as I looked up from their website there were only BSc courses related to design things. And me and science. I´d say Hahaha and that's enough, isn't it?
And all that just made me realise how much these weeks, next and two weeks from that, mean to me. And I have no plan B. No plans at all.
On my way to collect Amy and Tom I thought about it and I figured out that whatever comes, It can't be in Estonia. Not yet. I feel that I haven't learnt enough in here. Like. Every place you are in life is teaching you a lesson. And mine can't be just about the family life here. There has to be more.
And in the same time I have lost my way thinking that way. I am so comfortable in here. Actually I´m like that everywhere but. The more time passes, the more I feel that I am losing myself. And these parts of me can be found when I am around people and lively. Active.
Aaah.

Controversial, I know. But that's the reason I am writing it right now, to understand myself and my coals. And what happens when my plans don't go like I want them to go. Like I expect them to go. Or more important. How much do I want it do go my way and how hard am I going to fight for it, because right now all I´ve done is sleep. Sleep my way out of that all.

Oh, it's just one of these days I´m about to go mad. Going mad in so many ways that it truly is hard to explain.
University, spring, summer, plans, no-plans-because-all-that-s***-is-connected-to-one-other-and-I-just-have-to-wait-out, fact that I have nearly no social life in here, hopes on spring again, Estonia, looking for a job, hoping for enough creativity and gift, motivation, hoping to get rid of my foolishness, get portfolio done.. in 6 days, find myself in all that.
God I am in trouble.

And the funniest thing is, I sincerely think I´m pathetic. These are my first hard times in 7 months? And I am already so worn out of that all and don't know what to do with myself.
That's what I am saying. I am getting lost here.

Waiting for some kind of help. From someone, from something. And I do know that in times I have got silent answers to my worrisome questions.
But today I feel that I can't wait it out.


It doesn't get me anywhere, does it?

I'm just going to do something more useful then.

Oh, I didn't even mention that I am kind of ill here. That may be also a bit of an reason I find it even more difficult to fight right now.
Tonight I woke up in every half an hour or so because of a runny nose. Probably had a fever as well, because.. when I put my head on the pillow after a minute being sitting, it was ice cold. But they have a weird thermometer in here and I probably wouldn't have nothing useful do do with the knowing that I have fever, as I have to wake up and get kids to school anyway.
Oh, and tomorrow I have to go babysitting to another family. But I most certainly need the money as.. it turned out that Perry and kids aren't going to Plymouth after all. So about 70 pounds to go there and back. And.. Oh when I don't find a couch to surf on, I have to pay for hostel for an day or two as well.
So going and staying to Plymouth is another thing to worry about in these few days I have left to put my portfolio together.

Whatever. I just going to go now.